When you look me in the eyes
by Miss De Lune
Summary: [Translation in French also available on my profile] Katniss is struggling with her feelings, can she believe Peeta when he says that he loves her in front of the cameras ?
1. Chapter 1

I first had this idea in English, while reading another text about the Hunger Games so, I wrote it in English, that's my first text in this language, don't hesitate to point out my mistakes !

For the French readers, there will be a French version, as soon as I find how to add a chapter...^^

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, neither the song _"When you look me in the eyes" _of the Jonas Brothers.

This takes place before President Snow's death and so, before Prim's death, but after the beginning of the rebellion, in the third tome I think...

POV of Katniss

_Bonne lecture !_

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_**The song of the Jonas brothers, 'when you look me in the eyes'...**_

_**before Prim was killed, the war is not over, President Snow is still alive.**_

_**When you look me in the eyes,  
And tell me that you love me.**_

In front of the cameras, everyone could hear you, it was only a game, I must know it. But I can't help thinking that something was true in these words, that it wasn't just lie and hot air. You looked so honest, was it a role ? A cover, a masquerade to justify our behavior in the arena ? When you threw your weapon to the ground, and begged me to kill you to survive, I thought that all of this was true, that you didn't lie to me, not at such a moment, not when our lives were in play. I thought you did want that, you loved me and wanted to protect me. And I haven't managed to be convinced of the contrary then. I mustn't believe any word of what was said on the stage, I must be a good actress, overwhelmed by love, until the end, to save you, to save what is still of our district, to save Prim. Because all I did was for her, you know ? I didn't want to be a tribute, I didn't want to fight, to kill, to be scared, by others, for you, by what I had done and what I still had to do. All this blood in my hands, in my eyes, in our spirits, all those who died for us to live.But as I am here, near you, I can help believing...

_**Everything's alright,  
When you're right here by my side.  
When you look me in the eyes,  
I catch a glimpse of heaven.  
I find my paradise,**_

I just hope life will be better, I want to hope that it will finish, one day... I just want to live without being scared, I just want to be like everyone else, in peace. I want to send away all these memories to replace them by happy moments, by your smiles, by those of my sister, by the smell of your hot loaves and by the rustle of the leaves at my passing in the forests, by the smell of the flowers we will plant and by the excitement of our projects.

_**When you look me in the eyes.**_

_****_You won't dare to lie to me when you look me in the eyes, isn't it ? Is it a glimmer of hope, a glimmer of truth, that is shining in them ? Or is it only the stage's neon light that are glinting in them ? Am I imagining things ? Real or not real ? What should I believe ?

_**How long will I be waiting,  
To be with you again  
I'm gonna tell you that I love you,  
In the best way that I can.**_

Can I tell you that I love you ? Do I love you ? We said it so many times in front of the world, but was it true once ? Or is it what I want to feel ? Is it a delusion ? All those butterflies in my stomach, my heart beating wildly when you huddle me up to you for the photographers, my thoughts which get to you out of my control...aren't they signs of love ? But also of the fear that ties my stomach up in knots every time, of the weight of the expectations on me, I'm not built of ice, neither of fire as they like to disguise me of. I'm not brave, I'm not without any fear, I'm scared to death at any time, but all of this, I mustn't show it, isn't it ? The Mockingjay mock, it doesn't tremble. So, is it love or these other feelings that are tormenting me ?

_**I can't take a day without you here,  
You're the light that make my darkness disappear.**_

All I know is that I don't laugh anymore without you, I can't smile anymore when you're not near me, but how could I ? They stole me nearly everything I had: my house, my district, my best friend who has become a monster of revenge, my life, my innocence, all that remains is blood, violence, pain, and doubts.Am I right to fight, is it worth it, worth to fight, worth to suffer so much, worth to lose those we love, worth to put this country to fire and blood, worth dying ? Soon, they will try to steal me my sister, but I won't let them do that, they will have to shoot me down before, me, the Mockingjay, what a title, what is it for, now ? I never wanted all that, nevertheless, I couldn't help participating in it, putting all my resources, taping those I don't have anymore. You are the only one who understands me, how could it be different ? Since the beginning, you have figured me out, won me over, listened to me, listened to this anger that rumbled in me and which I couldn't tame, I didn't know yet to who I had to guide it, but, did I aim at the right target ? We're the same, and at the same time, different, where I see death and grief, you see hope and rebuilding...

Hope you'll be true, so I could tell you it, since now I know, I think I know, the more I'm talking, the more I'm aware of it...I love you...

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So, what do you think of it ?


	2. Chapter 2

_So, here is the last part of this OS that is now a two-shot. When I heard this song (thank you **Mlle Lucifer **!), I directly and unconsciously thought about this story. So, enjoy ! And don't forget to tell me if this part was useful, if there were mistakes, if you liked it or not, what did you think of it, this is important for me. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own this song, "Dernière danse", it belongs to Kyo._

I love her. I love her more than my life, more than what I could have ever thought, more than what I could have dreamed of. I love her but each time I say it, I can't help thinking that she doesn't believe it. I can't help thinking that for her, I am lying, for the cameras, for the show, for our victory and our lives. That's true. Each time I am saying it, murmuring it, whispering it, screaming it, it is for her, for her victory and for her life. But each time it is only true. The only truth. She does not believe me. She does not want to believe me. It is too dangerous, it is a too thrilling sensation. And I understand her. I am loosing myself in this waking dream, in this love, in this passion that she doesn't feel...

_**J'ai trouvé de l'or  
Et même quelques étoiles  
En essuyant ses larmes  
J'ai appris par cœur  
La pureté de ses formes**_

I had so much chance, I could be approach her, I could touch her. Coming close to touching my dream. At last, she knew me, at last, she remembered me. I have never forgotten the little girl for whom I was the kid of breads. I never could. In spite of my mother's hiding, in spite of the time, in spite of the Hunger Games. I only told the truth, all the way, I only had gestures that I dreamed of. I could hold her in my arms, I could wipe away her tears_, _I could share my meal with her, I could save her when it wasn't she that saved me, I could try to protect her for the Careers. And kiss her, at last put my leaps on hers, timidly, huddle her up to me, giving the illness and the show are reasons for her to kiss me again. I can value this memory until the end of my life.

_**Parfois, je les dessine encore  
Elle fait partie de moi  
**_

I will never forget. I can't. I won't manage to. I don't want to forget all those moments with her. Despite the horrors we have lived. It is carved in me. For ever.

_**Je l'ai connue trop tôt  
Mais c'est pas d'ma faute  
La flèche a traversé ma peau  
C'est une douleur qui se garde  
Qui fait plus de bien que de mal**_

I love her. Really. Each time she says to me that she loves me, in front of the cameras, a stab is lacerating my heart. Cause she doesn't think it really, she do this only for the world, for our lives, for our dreams of rebellion, for her sister. She doesn't love me really. It's only a game she has to participate in.

_**Mais je connais l'histoire  
Il est déjà trop tard  
Dans son regard  
On peut apercevoir  
Qu'elle se prépare  
Au long voyage**_

I didn't have the right to huddle her up to me. I didn't have the right to tell her that I really loved her if she didn't want to hear it. I didn't have the right to be an obstacle to her. She had something to do, something to prove, something to realize. She had to be the Mocking Jay. Just a last time. I had to help her. It was my duty, my role, my choice. No time for love. No time for feelings. No way. It was much too dangerous.

Je peux mourir demain  
Mais ça n'change rien  
J'ai reçu de ses mains  
Le bonheur ancré dans mon âme  
C 'est même trop pour un seul homme

In the arena. In the arena I didn't play a role. When I threw my weapon down, she looked surprised. I haven't understand why. But it didn't mater. Only one objective. One goal. One decision. She had to survive. She had to be the winner. Cause she was the Mocking Jay. Cause she embodied the hope of thousands of people. Cause she was Katniss Everdeen. The Fire Woman. Cause to my great delight, I had fallen in love with her. I finally had a way to prove her that it was not a game for me, that it was true. I did want it. I did want her to kill me. For her to survive. Because I didn't want to be killed by anyone or anything else. Cause she was the only one who will not be happy to do it. Cause it was a way for her to remember me. It was selfish, isn't it ? All the more so as I knew that I would nevertheless be unhappy. Since it would kill me to know that she suffers because of me, that she cries because of me, that she fell culpable because of me. It would kill me more surely than the arrow she was about to shoot. But I didn't have the choice. I preferred this to her death. She, would have the force to fight then. Me never.

_**Je l'ai vue partir, sans rien dire  
Il fallait seulement qu'elle respire  
Merci d'avoir enchanté ma vie**_

_**Avant l'ombre et l'indifférence  
Un vertige puis le silence  
Je veux juste une dernière danse**_

I didn't expect anything of her. I didn't want to force you. Never. I will not tell you those words again as you want, you, to forget everything. I have only one thing to ask you. Please, give me a last dance. For this commemorative day, on this music that will be ours in my heart. I will not intervene more in your life. It's not my role, not my place. I'm just another tribute. Nothing more. I don't want to oblige you. Since I'm not used to it. Cause I love you. Please, just give me a last dance, before I go.

_In memoriam_. _**  
**_


End file.
